Mental Health

Weakling

Earlier today I slept more. I can not believe how exhausted I am no matter how much I slept.

I slept at 4 a.m. this morning and woke up at 6… then at 7… then at 7:30 because I just was so exhausted. Turns out the lab training is tomorrow. So I went to see Dr. M instead. Dr. M said that when I keep hearing I’m weak, I might just start acting that way in a rebellious, “fine then I’ll show you how weak I can be” mentality. I haven’t thought about that.

Perhaps I grew angry at being called weak because this is what I am. I know I am physically weak but I can accept that. I cannot accept mental weakness. Perhaps I want to clutch onto the little bit of mental strength I believe I have left. This illness has left me feeling lost and defeated but I want to believe I still hold a compass that will guide me through my journey.

I feel ashamed that I deemed myself intelligent and articulate, yet I cannot argue against suggestions of my mental weakness. I didn’t have a track record of consistency and perseverance to counter this argument. Even if I am in a doctorate program in one of the more difficult majors one may pursue, I feel my work is questionable.

I suppose if I have admitted that I am indeed physically weak, were I to lift my blinders, I will only have to also admit that my physical weakness saps my mental strength. Then I will have to admit that in some ways, I have given up control.

Every time when I admit to a flaw that I fear admitting to, a strange thing happens: my flaw takes a lesser grip on me. It’s almost as if I were exorcised, that by admitting I AM flawed, I garner more strength, the strength that I had been draining towards maintaining a facade.

I suppose life is a constant display of the paradoxical and the absurd.

It’s an amazing show.

© 2008 by Jane Chin, Ph.D. (email) All Rights Reserved.
Abstract logo images by Asif Akbar