Suicide by Children and Preteens
Saturday, 23 May 2009
Suicide is a hard issue to address, because there is not only social and religious judgment against it, but also because we can feel helpless when there’s someone whom we love who is ideating it (or if that person ends up going through with it, and we are left asking ‘why’). Some people may think it takes “courage” to actually end one’s own life… but I believe that courage or cowardice has less to do with this, than the feelings of desperation that leads one to believe that “there is no other way”.
What alarms me though is the increasing prevalence of children and teens who commit suicide in the western society today. Over this past weekend, I saw on the news that a 11 year old boy hung himself because he was being taunted by classmates who said he was gay. Or the infamous “MySpace hanging” case where a 13 year old girl hung herself after she was led to believe that everyone in her school hated her, by a perpetrator who ended up to be one of her classmate’s mother.
From an outsider perspective, we can almost not fathom how this can happen, and how a child could ‘get the courage’ to take a piece of wire or rope, set it up, place it around his or her neck, and end one’s own young life. As a parent, it makes us more determined than ever to cultivate emotional resilience in our children and at the same time, softening the desire to erect what walls human beings build around themselves when they genuinely feel like there is no more hope.
We often first kill ourselves in our psyche and in our minds, before we physically kill ourselves; this is what I believe. Because I have first hand experience that feeling of the intensity of despair, I have a sliver of a glimpse into what may lead someone who appears to have so many options to exercise the one that ends all future options.
Image by Glenda Otero
No. 1 — May 22nd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Hi Jane –
Thanks for this fine post about one of the most difficult subjects of all to discuss. No one knows what a child goes through to take such a desperate act. I know of one teenage suicide that was definitely a case of self-blame for the constant fighting and fury between his parents. But those who apparently kill themselves because of unbearable shaming experiences from peers are the most baffling. I suspect, though, that at early ages the psyche and self-esteem have already been so weakened by family conditions that there is no resilience left – in fact, the external taunting is likely confirming inner judgment and self-condemnation. That’s my guess, of course – just one attempt at explaining the unexplainable.
I agree completely that the psyche and mind have already died – for whatever reason.
My very best to you — John
No. 2 — May 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Hi John,
What an excellent point you made – that external taunting was reinforcing internal condemnation. This also explains why we hear of simple acts of kindness that prevented someone from committing suicide – one external act of kindness from a child or a teenager to a troubled child or teenager may be that “one different stimulus that makes the difference” for that person who is close to taking his or her life.
Jane
No. 3 — June 18th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Suicide is a very sensitive topic to discuss. Personally, it’s very disturbing especially when you know someone who did it. I believe the pressure is on the parents for them to let their teens or children open up more to them. And if possible seek professional help right away if you’ve seen some tendencies on your teen.
No. 4 — August 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
As an ex-police officer who has had to deal with a number of suicides and prevented one or two and suffered from PTSD I can identify with the timeless despair you describe. Helping children understand that their dark future-less moments are passing moments in time and not a state of permanence.
From the people who were prevented from actually killing themselves I noticed two different mindsets. Those who just wanted an end to the pain. The others appeared to be thinking past their death and could see people being sorry.
Thanks for the blog.
David
No. 5 — September 11th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as an ex-police officers who have seen what many of us can only try to explain or describe, David.
No. 6 — September 11th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
It truly is – sensitive and disturbing a topic… part of this “taboo” is the social stigma around depression and suicide. Many still see these as character weaknesses rather than having a physical basis – or at the very least acknowledge that persistent/consistent emotional triggers would influence the physical body eventually. Parents sometimes are not aware of the signals they need to pay attention to that tell them their children are deeply troubled. Sometimes parents are too busy to truly see and hear their children.
No. 7 — October 28th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Great post about a parents worst nightmare. I had two friends who died this way and the aftermath for the family’s was unbearable.