Judging pain
Recently I validated and updated information on this site. The personal stories section seems to be most popular; “catching a darkness” has been one of my favorites. I learned of this site when the web became my source for mental health information in 1998.
The haunting images of bipolar disorder as captured by the Jessica’s brother is more telling of the suffering endured by patients than any amount of scientific papers. Some time ago, writings told of Jessica doing well. When I read the update this time, I learned that she had taken her own life in May 2003.
We can easily judge someone else’s pain and condemn someone taking “the cowardly way out”. Judging is easier when we have never experienced constant and perpetual psychological pain. Hell can sound like a welcome relief for someone living in this condition.
Living through a state of mental illness is an exercise in torture; sometimes we make it through the abyss, sometimes we break. Making it through is no guarantee that we won’t break at any time, for any reason. We buy our minutes and hope these turn to hours and weeks and months and years. For some, it is like punching a time card two or three times a day, with no forgiveness for missing a punch or showing up late.
I don’t know what makes one person give up in utter despair while another person hang on. I am no stranger to this darkness - the “utter” kind of despair - the kind that makes people step away from you ever-so-carefully.
I have learned to appreciate the courage to hang on and live.
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