Misdiagnosis and Back: My Journey Through Depression

Prologue
I was misdiagnosed as having type 2 bipolar disorder sometime in February or March of 1998. These entries are excerpts from my journal, and documents the process of misdiagnosis, treatment, and correct diagnosis of depression.

Over time, as I look back at my experience and gain better understanding of the drugs and treatment side effects, I added notes that may help you gain perspective with my experience. If you are taking any of the medications I had taken and were wondering what was happening to you, I hope you didn’t have to wait years (like I did) before learning what was going on.

Original publication: 1998. Last Update: 2006.

Disclaimer
These are my personal experiences: as with all medications, side effects and positive effects differ from person to person. These are my interpretations of how I was feeling, and may not necessarily mean that I actually had the condition. For example, when I felt asthmatic, I may not actually be having an asthma attack; instead, I was feeling shortness of breath.

The dates are MM. DD. YY (Month = MM, Date = DD, Year = YY)

05. 16. 98
Slept only 4 hours, second day of depakote. Been taking 2-75mg wellbutrin (generic) a day. Taking selenium and B-50 to stave off hairloss from depakote (or try to). Small panic, ~ 5pm, tightness front and back, lungs feeling uncomfortable… is my panic from me or the wellbu? Really want to stop the wellbutrin. Is this from the wellbutrin or the depakote? I just read depakote can also cause anxiety, but yesterday and this morning I was feeling fine! Mentally feel OK, physically feel poor. Also starting to feel asthmatic. I’m cutting back to 2 wellbutrin/day from 3 a day. I wanted to go home to take another dep but hubby said to ride it out so I will. Worried about my sleep. Is this normal?

Note: I had read anecdotally that selenium was supposed to help counter the hair loss from depakote. It didn’t really make a difference, my hair still fell out, but luckily I have very thick hair.

05. 19. 98
Woke up from an ITCH all over my arms, back, neck, and scalp. This itch made me scratch so much in my sleep that I woke up and it’s still itchy — I looked at my hands and arms — they look “normal” and it’s not an itch caused by allergy or bites. It’s from the depakote probably. Please let this pass so I don’t have to go to lithium. Don’t keep closing doors on me. I went to the bathroom to look at my back, all red from scratches. This itch feels like it’s underneath my skin in my muscle cells — no matter how I scratch it, it can’t be allieviated because — it’s an itch I can’t scratch. Right now I feel like there are ants crawling over me, leaving me itchy-itchy-itchy but the ants are underneath my skin. I wish I had dizziness rather than a rash. Not another side effects that causes me to have to stop this because I don’t have many more choices left. I’m frustrated and scared — and itchy. Glad that hubby and I live apart right now or I’ll be waking him up too. I’d much rather go through this alone even though it’s less scarier if he were here.

Note: The itch is an allergic reaction to bupropion / Wellbutrin. I had the same reaction to both the generic formulation and the branded formulation. My husband and I were living apart because I was finishing up my PhD studies in a school on the opposite coast.

05. 20. 98
I feel incredibly tired. When I stand up from a sitting position, I feel my breathing becoming irregular. Breathing has been difficult especially during the middle of the day. Haven’t eaten well at lunch. Cramps felt bad today. Also my eyes would lose focus a few times. I feel abnormally tired. Makes me worry because I have so much to do.

05. 22. 98
The depakote may be working - I feel less “paranoid”. I’m starting to have hearing problems sporadically. I can hear but suddenly my left ear would get “muffled” and I can hear myself but amplified. Incredibly tired. Heart feels abnormal. Rash a little better. Lungs still feeling bad but better than before. My eyes are starting to have trouble focusing on one spot; when I look at our picture on the wall, my eyes started blurring. Low/dull headache. My creativity is increasing a little even though I feel stable. I guess now I have more emotional energy for good things that make me happy. I see things in a different light. It sort of feels like someone flipped a switch on and I can see better and am less afraid.

05. 23. 98
I feel stable even though I didn’t go out all day. Voice of reason is still going strong. Feel at… peace. Side effects still vision blur, lungs, HAIR (my hair is exploding off my head), ears. No rash anymore, hope it stays that way.

05. 24. 98
I don’t feel the weird “gnawing” paranoia I felt for so long. It is SUCH a relief knowing that I “am” normal and the illness is what is making me suspicious and paranoid. Before when hubby tells me he’s going out I’d have feelings of fear that he’d leave. Now I almost feel like I am “trusting” him the way I should and suddenly I am feeling secure and safe in our relationship. I can’t believe I’d ever feel this way. What a painful struggle I had for all those years without realizing it wasn’t my fault.

05. 26. 98
I don’t feel physically well; I feel like I am ill with some bug that drains my energy. Am I getting depressed? I feel so tired and lifeless. No interest, no energy, very tired and weak, no appetite. Often if I stare too long on a page my eyes lose focus. I feel discouraged and scared. Feels like I am hanging onto the little edge of not giving up and my arms are getting tired.

06. 01. 98
I don’t feel like going to lab. I don’t care if I graduate. I don’t care if I don’t eat. I don’t care if I’m alive. I wish I was never born so I don’t have to think about dying more and more. Cried almost all day yesterday. Also thought about ending things because I don’t feel that life is worth the pain I bear anymore. Been thinking of the steps. Plans have become more realistic. I just don’t want to live in my skin anymore. The last time I had these thoughts was right before I started the depakote. Had letters written but they aren’t very good. What can a person say to ANYONE knowing she wants to leave them all because she can’t stand the pain anymore? It’s because I’m a wimp, isn’t it? If I’m so tough, then take the pain. Hubby said being brave means doing something you fear. I’m not being brave and I haven’t been, then. I guess right now I fear living. I had become ideated in suicide about 3 - 4 times (average of once per week). I don’t even think hubby had any idea what was going on.

07. 07. 98
No interest in life in general. Feels like everything boils down to nothing. Disillusioned about school. Wisdom tooth hurts.

07. 17. 98
I think I am actually in a depression slump. I have not been able to start any new projects. Towards late day I start feeling nauseous. Brain literally feels “fried”. Mentally fatigued. Been doing web paging to numb the pain. Later in the day a friend called and we talked about school. We laughed alot and I felt better. Dad sent me a note which made me feel sad… I need to watch my mood carefully as I anticipate feeling depressed over getting word from my parents. I’m debating whether to write them a letter.

07. 23. 98
Started Prozac 20 mg in the evening then one during the day hereafter. Still on 250 mg depakote.

07. 24. 98
Attempted to sleep even though I pretty much tossed and turned for an hour. Went to make some soup to drink at the end and felt better. Went to bed but tummy felt weird - had been feeling strange these days and also went to bed with a full stomach. Mood is better. Read one paper today, eyes keep shifting on lines so very difficult to read. Tummy been bad for the past week and I’ve been taking tummy pills everyday. Earlier I was tired @ 130am but began “resisting sleep” till now (330am). It’s like I’m held hostage by myself.

07. 25. 98
Prozac may be cutting my need for sleep (4.5 hrs). Similar situation happened when I was on wellbutrin. Nap was the kind of deep sleep where I couldn’t wake up… weird dreams too. Felt quite good today - not so many “pangs” until almost 11pm. I started feeling anxious so I waited for Hubby to come online. I think I got anxious towards the time when I’m expecting Hubby to show up because he “might not” so it’s the abandonment issue. When it was only 10pm I didn’t feel such anxiety.

07. 27. 98
Nightmare woke me up. I had a really bad dream, very unpleasant. I don’t feel like going into details of it… I think this has psychological bases of being “second best” and feelings of helplessness, competition, betrayal, and anger. Perhaps even before I “understood” I had seen something (from childhood.) My brother was there. He tied the black laces on my skates as if he were my older brother - assuming a protective role. I was thinking that the prozac is working. Usually after having a horrible dream like that I’d be immobilized with depression and get secluded (hiding) and then have a panic attack on hubby leaving me. But this morning I just writhed in pain and groaned to myself that it was just a dream, and I eventually got my butt to lab before 830am. I see alot of improvements. It’s a combination of therapy, meds, and self help. Today I felt good! Even though worried, I’m optimistic.

Note: At the time I was not familiar with the side effects of Prozac on sleep disturbance. As you will read in subsequent entries, I was particularly susceptible to the sleep disturbance side effect of Prozac. During this time I had extremely vivid dreams and was extremely “active” while sleeping.

08. 10. 98
This morning I felt strangely happy, looked forward to this monday. It was a good feeling. As the day went on, the school mental block began weighing more on my mind and I started feeling down.

08. 11. 98
This morning again I’m feeling strangely “happy”, sort of too energetic and just smiling at everyone. I feel like I can get closer to people easier - it’s really weird… I think it might be the prozac. It’s a bit frightening how my mental state is affected by this medication - it’s like “what… you mean my sheer will isn’t strong enough to overcome my biochemical imbalance?” Even on depakote I didn’t feel like this. I mean, I don’t think I’ve had a “low” kind of low since I started prozac. I am concerned about overshooting into hypomania though. This is a couple of days after two weeks since I started prozac. I feel more assertive, more in control, less afraid. I’m still very stressed about school and panicky about performance though.

08. 13. 98
Have been very tired with school; I seemed to have developed an imperceptible nervous twitch at the corner of my right eye muscles and I hope no one saw it. Usually it happens late in the afternoons. Been feeling that strange assertiveness still… no pangs of fear - it’s a feeling I enjoy very much. I am worried however, that I just might be “high” - maybe the prozac is making me hypomanic? Am I getting feelings of grandeur? I don’t know! I just feel like I am happy being with people and that I am happy being with myself, and that I am happy being “Me”. Maybe it’s because I’m beginning to experience myself, maybe it’s because I’ve been sleeping regular hours, maybe it’s the prozac… I’ve really worked hard to be where I am.

Note: One of the “side effects” of too much information is that I thought I had all sorts of symptoms that would fit the expected profile of my misdiagnosis. For example, if I felt agitated, then I thought I was becoming hypomanic. This shows the importance of a correct diagnosis and good communication with the psychiatrist. At the time, my psychiatrist didn’t spend too much time adjusting my perception about what I actually had, even though he questioned the first psychiatrist’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He had correctly diagnosed me with an agitated type of depression, but he still let me take the bipolar disorder medications I was already taking.

08. 18. 98
Felt very nauseous at 4 am. woke up at 5am and felt worse. I have no appetite and I am eating bread and broth so I would have some food in my stomach before I take prozac. I’m still having strange dreams! I felt sick this morning so I called in and said I will be in later. I feel rather drained of energy and a little depressed from this Physical condition. I don’t know why I am avoiding exercise - I just don’t feel like to. I was also missing hubby and wishing he was nearby so he can hold me because I’m feeling ill.

08. 19. 98
Stomach really is hurting. I used up two whole pieces of kleenex to blot my tears and runny nose at Dr. M’s today. I think Dr. M was shocked I could cry so much because I hardly ever did - I guess my “Front” is dissolving. I trust her now though. Afterwards I had very swollen eyes and a bad headache.

08. 20. 98
Mood is OK but I feel drained and bummed out. I have been feeling nauseous for the past 2 days and now I’m turning green on the chicken soup that I made to help myself feel better! My buddy treated me to Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich because I don’t know what else I can stomach. I was trying to sound normal on the phone with her earlier but she knew I was crying. I’m so scared to deal with this feeling of grief, such a new feeling - so foreign that I can’t control the tears and it makes me uneasy. My friend asked me if I was pregnant but it’s impossible… I hope I’m not! I think it’s just grief. Later, I played a bit of “X-rated tetris” at her house; that game is so silly that I actually laughed out loud.

Note: One of Prozac’s side effects was nausea, which I started to experience.

08. 21. 98
My tummy bug has left my body I think, but today I felt completely drained, as if I’d just recovered from a serious illness. This morning I had more weird dreams and even began to dream in animation! Today I was in a foul mood. Just in a bad feeling state - like I’m ready to growl any minute. That was how I felt, though I wasn’t like that on the outside! I also felt a bit depressed - like a -2 scale. I’m not too worried about it though; it’s a normal feeling I’m having, and life is a series of cycles. I won’t take depression as the end of the world because I know it will pass. If I can stop taking everything so seriously I can become playful; it’s an alluring concept because I do want to have fun with school and love what I do but somehow I’m not enjoying myself. What am I missing? Am I trying too hard? Perhaps that’s my problem - I’m too desperate to find the passion in what I’m doing so I’d DO it. If I can enjoy every moment as itself, soon I can enjoy the entire sequence. Instead I run away from the moment - and I don’t allow myself to immerse in this moment so as a result I don’t feel satisfied.

08. 22. 98
I was extremely stressed about school but something shocked me… I’m no longer getting anxiety pangs! Gosh I’m completely thankful and amazed and in awe. It’s the prozac, I’m so sure of it. It’s as if someone switched off the voices of panic - what a Lovely Feeling This Is! I am completely in awe of how I’m feeling. This is what “normal” people feel like? What does this mean, that I DID have a chemical imbalance and that prozac and depakote are taking care of it? Whatever it is, it will get better for me… I just know it.

08.24.98
Woke up feeling sick again and wrote hubby, nervous I may really be pregnant. Don’t feel like going to lab at all… What is Happening to Me?? I read an online article called “Why change the world when you can have a prozac moment” and I wonder if this peacefulness I feel does not come from me and rather is through medication - what will happen when I stop taking it? Is this feeling from me or the medication? Still, today I feel stable even though I’m stressed about School - I’m still feeling peppy, don’t know why.

08.25.98
I’m still having trouble sleeping. Down about school and I wondered, “is the prozac wearing off?” I can’t be dependent on that though, and blind myself into believing that I have to feel good all the time to be “normal”. I have to admit - last week was lovely because I was feeling happy. Now I must be “winding down”. Still, I’m not getting the abandonment pangs which I’m very thankful to be freed of! I’m still accepting myself and I plan to continue! I’m just tired of failing and falling on my face. I don’t even feel like talking with hubby these days because I feel so nervous and exhausted. I tell myself “This is Life, can’t block everything out!” Right now I have a slight tummy bummy from the half cup of milk I drank to supposedly help me sleep.

08.26.98
NAUSEA. Thought I may be pregnant and I took a test - it was negative. Napped but still felt nauseous after. I went to see Dr. V today - he stopped the depakote as he believes the prozac alone should do the job. “Often the medicine is the best diagnosis for a patient’s condition,” he said with his usual serene smile. He never seemed to lose his composure.

Back in March, I once stormed into his office after having a major panic attack that left my lungs feeling as if they were about to explode and I dropped 2 pages of notes I had taken on my symptoms (I am after all, trained to “observe”) on his desk and exclaimed “YOU’VE GOT TO HELP ME HELP MYSELF!!” and he wasn’t even taken aback. He only smiled and looked through my “fact sheets” then prescribed Depakote. I was so afraid to go to lithium - I don’t want to keep taking blood tests like I did when I was suffering from the Tegretol side effect and had to draw blood every other day for for 10 days because the drug had suppressed my white blood cells and platelet count to a critical level. Actually that was the only time I detected a slight “panic” in Dr. V’s voice: when he left a message on my voice mail telling to Stop-the-tegretol-right-now! I was glad to, I didn’t want to risk falling down the stairs as The tegretol made me so dizzy and disoriented. This evening I felt rather “green”. My tummy feels bloated and icky. I have no appetite. I am rather worried about my health, namely, what is going on with my body - Ok… I’ll be all right.

Note: Before I started on Depakote, I was taking Tegretol for the bipolar disorder diagnosis. Tegretol has a rare and potentially fatal side effect of myelosuppression in a small percentage of patients, which apparently I developed. It’s also important to note the psychiatrist’s belief that “medication is often the best diagnosis of the patient’s condition.”

It tells of how ambiguous mental health conditions are to diagnose correctly, and the reality that many patients go through different medications that can do more harm than good before finding the treatment that helps them the most. That was what happened with me. I was very sensitive to drug side effects: it seems like whatever rare side effects a drug had, I would get.

08.30.98
I tried Valerian root to help me sleep. I woke up very nauseous so I took another pregnancy test - again the test was negative. Went back to sleep at around 6am, and then woke up because I had BOXED MY OWN EARS! What on earth is going on with me? What is happening to me? (I later learned that one major side effect of prozac was sleep disturbance and insomnia, so what I was experiencing were prominent side effects of prozac which also included nausea. Of course at the time, I was not informed of the side effects so I thought I was going nuts!)

Note: I self-medicated with herbal teas (Valerian root) and melatonin for sleep. Melatonin helped a little although I felt dehydrated from it. Valerian root didn’t help, and is a very smelly herb.

09.02.98
Sleep is slowly reverting to normal, although I’m still getting Nausea. Meditation is helping me tremendously - also I’m learning to visualize better.

09.04.98
I called my nurse to ask her if she knew why I’d be feeling sick for so long - whether it’s “female” related if I’m not pregnant, and she suggested to take prozac at night to see if it will stop the nausea from happening (it didn’t) Gave me names of two family practitioners should this become worse. This time my dream was even more interesting. I was standing in line and this african american nurse in white was taking people’s status-cards. I realized I forgot mine and I ran off to look for it, realizing I had no idea where to look for it. The nurse said, “Oh, don’t worry, I got your card already” and she pointed to a pile of cards. I walked over to the pile, where my card was on the top and I announced to her, as-a-matter-of-factly, “I cannot accept the fact I have cancer.” This dream reminded me of the time when I announced to Dr. M as-a-matter-of-factly, “I cannot accept the fact that I had been abused.”

Note: I was referring to emotional abuse I had suffered as a child from my mother, who was mentally unstable.

09.07.98
Last night the storm was abnormally fierce - the building vibrated and shook! I called hubby because I was scared - I felt as if the place was going to split open and collapse. I’ve never been afraid of a storm but this seemed quite abnormal for a storm… I told hubby “If I die because the roof fell on my head, I want to tell you that I love you!” he said, groggily (as it was wee hours of the morning there), “if you really think the roof is going to fall, get into your car and drive to lab!” I’m glad I didn’t heed his advice, as the TORNADO would have eaten me alive for sure! After I hung up the phone I went to the kitchen to forage for food. Even if there is a tornado raging outside, my stomach is hungry and needs attention - I have priorities! I saw roomie’s door wide open and peered inside to see her sit on the bed, terrified. She wailed at me wondering if her life was about to end in such a drastic way. I smiled at her sheepishly and said “don’t worry! I’m here!” and offered to sleep on the carpet next to her bed to keep her company. She thanked me profusely as I made my bedding. I woke up rather early though, because she was snoring so loud!

09.08.98
Dreamt that I told my advisor I’d been dreaming about school. Man, I gotta get out more often. But I can’t - I got school.

09.19.98
Woke up at 2am very sick, had to suck on a Tums antacid and was thankful it helped because I ran out of candy to calm my tummy. Got chased by a bunch of people in my dreams again.

09.23.98
Today I went to see Dr. M, to gab about the strange dreams I’d been having for the past week(s?) and perhaps the nausea being connected in some way to those dreams. Then I blurted out, “I DON’T HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!!” She smiled and said “I don’t think you have either.” We both sort of giggled and agreed that all the symptoms that led to the misdiagnosis came from residual trauma from the abuse and from the “incidents” in 1997 and that these dreams are largely in part one way I am finally opening up to the abuse memories so I can heal them and be at peace with myself and to realize that this is not my fault and that I did nothing wrong back when I was 5 years old to deserve what happened.

June 1999
I said good bye to Dr. M (last therapy session). We hugged each other and she said she had been honored to have known me. Afterwards, I went to the bathroom to cry because I will miss her and she really helped me change my life around.

July 1999
Hubby and I are now living together and I’ve stopped taking prozac - hopefully forever.

January 2000
Beginning of the new millenium! I’m doing well and now have a new job. I have not been depressed even though I had felt the normal stress and ups-and-downs that accompany life.

June 2000
I’m still doing great - looking back at previous entries I feel like a different person (one who enjoys herself and her life more). The only complaints I have is that I’ve gained some weight when I was on prozac and I haven’t been able to take the weight off. I also have some “sexual dysfunction” (lack of sex drive) that is supposed to be a common side effect of prozac and that has only marginally improved since I stopped taking it almost a year ago. However, I read that once prozac is “washed out” of the body (about a month after stopping the medication) the sexual function should return to normal but that hasn’t been my case. I haven’t seen a doctor about this though - too embarrassing.

October 2000
I had a pretty bad slump a couple of weeks back and thought for sure that my depression had recurred. However, it was a hormonal episode - but apparently a really bad hormonal episode! I went to an ob/gyn for a hormone panel a few months back to see whether my testosterone levels were too low (therefore contributing to sexual dysfunction) but never went back to get the test results. The doctor’s office didn’t call either. I really should call and find out - I know I’m in denial and avoidance. I’m in a new job now, and am the youngest in our group of four (in the nation). What pressure! I’ve recently started doing Pilates at the gym. The exercises are helping my back, which had been going downhill through my last job (lugging samples, repeated motions of closing trunk and car door). Most importantly, I think, the Pilates classes are helping me with balance. I tend to lose focus and balance when I get really busy with my career.

“The Misplaced Plant”
October . 23. 2000
I was originally delighted by this plant because it was peeking through the hole in the cement in front of the garage door. With the dull, gray gravel, I enjoyed seeing a misplaced bit of green. The tiny shoot grew smack in the middle of the garage entrance. Our car wouldn’t hurt it if we backed out straight, so I began backing out more carefully when I noticed the plant.

Perhaps the tiny plant was an offspring of a nearby ivy. We’re not sure. The plant began growing toward the sun - and that was how it grew - facing the sun (and the street). The growth of the plant seemed to have disintegrated bits of hard gravel into soft sand - as the leaf spread, the surrounding ground seemed to give way to soft sand. Ants would busy themselves around and into the tunnel that the stem had emerged from. And seeing the oddly placed plant always cheered me up when I approached our car.

I am awed by the presence of this plant. Awed that a living thing would take any measure to peer through darkness to see the sun, and to be nurtured by the warmth. It made me think about how we sometimes bemoan our existence, complaining about the chores we have to do and sighing about our misfortunes. While this little ivy accomplished a great feat by breaking through at the first opportunity to bloom in the open. Regardless of being in an odd and even unattractive environment - the plant made it beautiful. In the wake of its existence, even hard gravel turned to soft sand that was becoming to ants and to young ivy shoots waiting to burst into the open.

It made me think of how we sometimes are misplaced shoots with the potential to bloom. We may feel out of place, but we don’t realize that our mere existence is what makes the place beautiful to behold. We may feel insignificant, but we don’t realize that in our wake, we may turn gravel into sand and make it possible for other lives to bloom. We may feel our presence is almost guaranteed and become complacent about being alive and the gifts that we’re given, that we often forget to appreciate how each day is a blessing and that our lives can be cut short at any moment.

The plant’s existence was a fleeting one. Just this morning I heard the loud motors of the contracted gardeners, and when I went downstairs, the ivy had been cut.

January 2001
My depression has recurred. I believe I had become depressed as far back as August of 2000 but it wasn’t until recently that I became painfully aware of the symptoms.

I wrote this shortly after my birthday:

“It is Horrible to Be Me”. (Warning - disturbing imageries and sentences ahead)

“It is horrible to be me because I strip Life of all peace and happiness. I am a Black Gob of Slimey Goo, absorbing all that is good and leaving destruction and sadness in its wake. People I come in intimate contact with, I destroy their minds with my heavy and hopeless thoughts until I bring out in them the worst thoughts they can think of about themselves and the world.

“I am a poisonous plant, I sicken a healthy being when they come in close contact with me. I am the reason why my loved one cries and feels sad and tired. I am a vampire that sucks all energy and life from the people closest to me.

“I am drowning in the fear of being myself yet I cannot run away. Each time I ruin something good, I stare back in horror, wishing I was dead or away from this body and mind. But I know I can never escape. I am wrought with guilt, regret, and horror at the holocaust I have created with my mind, manifesting into actions.

“I think the world would be better off without me and so will the life of the person I am closest to. I don’t want to live inside my destructive mind yet I cannot escape this horror and anguish.

“I am the source of all that is painful and angry in my life, and I bring pain and draw anger in others. I am afraid of myself and feel I am trapped inside a horror movie called my Mind, yet I can only be forced to watch as I am hacked into a million pieces.”

On birthdays most people celebrate and have fun and food. I had food and fun early during the day, but my feelings came crashing down that night. I definitely don’t recommend spending your birthdays sobbing in bed hating to be yourself!

The truth is, I probably have been “becoming depressed” for a long while, but it was so easy to attribute it to stresses in life and the resulting “distress” as a “normal reaction” to the stresses. However, normal reactions don’t involve dark thoughts of despair and the dimming of hope. That was what I finally admitted and realized. Even though I’ve created this site and have been maintaining it with information, I’m not immune to denial! I’ve been in denial for a while, I’m not sure how long, but the very first sign that I became conscious of was how quickly I snapped at hubby. I’d snap at the slightest of things, be very impatient in answering questions as if I expected him to be able to read my mind. I started disliking myself again. Life began to feel hopeless again.

Depression relapse occurred gradually for me, the way a rock doesn’t notice the persistent and almost imperceptible cuts of passing water until one day the cut clears a hole through the rock and water gushes freely through. It was time to make calls again, to set up appointments.

Even with this being the second time around, it doesn’t get easier.

February 2001
January had come and gone, and the person who wrote “Voice of Depression” seemed so foreign. Yet, I am the same person who had morbid thoughts of death and wondered why I was even born. In times of somewhat-stability (such as now), I am puzzled that such dichotomy exists within me - within anyone who ever had experienced depression. There is a Me that desperately seeks an exit, one that feels pain as though she had been condemned with a curse. Then there is a Me that fiercely embraces the fight to survive and overcome, one that experiences a kind of faith that pulls you through the harshest winters.

I have begun psychotherapy again, and have found much comfort in having everything analyzed from a less destructive point of view (at least learning how to do so). Because of what I have learned from before, I am able to immediately see what my thoughts are telling me, and can relate this to my doctor. In a way I believe she sees me as a challenging patient mostly because of how well-oiled this machine of my mind is in its destructive ways. We are both trying to introduce “a glitch in the matrix”, so to speak. We are both working hard to interrupt the cogs that proved dark and gloomy for me. One concept I have learned since we started working together is how I can be less of a “Mind-F***er” to myself.

Oh, but you’ll have fun when I begin to tell you about my medication therapy! After my successful trial with prozac 2 years ago, my psychiatrist and I settled on bupropion (wellbutrin SR, the extended release which should have less side effects compared with original formulation) to start. My psychiatrist is a soft spoken woman whom I thankfully had not come across during my stint as a pharmaceutical sales representative. Anyway, back to my new medication therapy. As of a few days ago, I’ve stopped taking wellbutrin SR, because after two weeks of taking the medication, I’ve developed a delightful rash that made me look as if I’ve taken a lashing with a merciless whip. I kid you not - I had large, ugly, red welts up and down my back, on my thighs, across my neck, underneath my arms… thank god not the face! Not the Face! (I can still be vain when I feel depressed.) For the past 5 days I had to take benadryl allergy capsules to calm the itch and smooth the bumps, and today, for the first time in a week, I didn’t have a frightening breakout. It seems the medicine is slowly titrating off my system. The ironic thing is that now when I look back to my original “drug log”, I see that I’ve had this side effect before, but had attributed it to another medication I was taking.

The psychiatrist commented that I’m the first patient who had this side effect with wellbutrin (that she knew of). However, I’m not surprised - I never thought I am one with sensitive systems but I seem to get the rarest side effects with psychotropic medications (i.e., the tegretol incident).

Although I will embark on another medication, I do feel a bit better - whether it’s the wellbutrin or the therapy or a combination of both or - simply the fact that I am making an effort toward my well being - it doesn’t matter. What matters is I am feeling better than I had for the past six months, and for once in a long time, can go through a day without the surge of irritation and anger that had plagued me since last summer. And for that, I’m thankful!

February 24, 2001
Currently I’m starting on low dose Zoloft to see how my body tolerates it. I still have a bit of the rash left from Wellbutrin that I’m managing with an antihistamine. About a week after I had stopped Wellbutrin, I tried low dose Serzone and my body rejected that as well - I experienced dizziness, headache, and nausea - from a 25 mg dose (half of the lowest first-week dose). I waited another week before I tried something else. This time, I broke the lowest Zoloft dose in half and took that the first day, then the other half the second day. It’s the 4th day and I’m taking the full low dose, and so far my body hasn’t reacted differently. I’m waiting to see, however, because I started to get a rash a few days after taking Wellbutrin, when the medication had built up in my blood.

Even though the medication has been a hit-and-miss, and we are avoiding Prozac due to the side effects I had experienced previously, I am feeling more stable than I had been in months. I credit this in large to my beginning psychotherapy again, and in a way, am gaining control by knowing I am doing something to help myself. I also received Belleruth’s tapes on guided imagery and have listened to the Depression tape a couple of times, although I admit I have not been very disciplined to listen to it everyday.

August 2001
I cannot believe it has been six months since I last posted (or eight months since my relapse). I am doing well - that’s not to say I haven’t felt bouts of depression now and then - I’m thankful that the bouts don’t last beyond a day or two, and that the bouts weren’t nearly as severe as the beginning of this year. I’m definitely liking myself more than I did at the beginning of this year too.

Right now I am not on medication. I had taken Zoloft for a few weeks at the beginning of this year, but it was a subtherapeutic dose and I frankly was not feeling the benefit from the medication. The greatest benefit I had felt from the point of my relapse was really the therapy sessions. I had intense scheduling of these sessions (twice per week for a month, then once per week for the next), which did a lot of good in my humble opinion. I am not sure what it is, but sitting down and picking apart motivations behind the thoughts in my head with a knowledgeable professional really helped. For the past couple of months till now, I am on the “maintenance phase”, meaning once a month check-in with my counselor to make sure everything is all right in my head and that I’m not harbouring any “time-bombs” of self-destructive bugs.

I have not been able to “take” the guided imagery for some reason. I think I get too distracted by words and voices on audio. Recently I have been listening to a series of (expensive) meditation tapes that I had purchased in 1998. I made an effort to listen to these tapes a few times a week (30 minutes each) just to see what would happen. At least I was able to keep to that commitment, but could do so only by listening at bedtime. I usually end up falling asleep before the tape ends. The meditation tape is supposed to help stimulate brainwaves that I’m obviously unfamiliar with (alpha or theta waves, I believe are called). I am not sure which waves in my brain have been stimulated, but I like the music and I seem to be getting pretty action-packed dreams with lots of people (whom I don’t know) in it. I think the conscious effort of doing something to relax helps my mind feel better about itself.

I’ve been wondering lately about this site - I wonder who visits these sites and whether it is helpful at all (and if so, which pages are helpful). I know people visit since I get an email now and then, and I’m very appreciative of the nice guestbook comments that visitors leave. Still, sometimes I do wonder, of all the helpful resources out there, if this site has a flavor of its own that is hopefully conducive to helping others. Maybe it’s my rambling that keeps visitors coming back for more, haha… ahem.

Since I am now extremely busy (and in demand) for my new job, I have very little time to keep up with my web projects. Therefore I’m subjecting everything including this site to a working haitus. Whatever that means. I suppose it just means I update it when I have the time… but that’s what I’ve been doing all along anyway. I will see you next time!

October 2001
I am still doing very well, and have recently began exercising regularly (at least 3 times a week of cardiovascular workout). Being really busy sure helps keep depression at bay, and I’m beginning to be more consistent with my routines - regular exercise, meals, sleep.

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