Father Liable for $400,000 for Emotional Abuse
A Canadian man was ordered to pay $400,000 to his 41 year old daughter for a life time of emotional and physical abuse that amounted to severe mental distress for the woman.
Gory details of emotional and physical abuse amounted to the father attempting to kill his daughter. The woman was also sexually abused by her uncle when she was young. Not surprisingly, the woman suffers from numerous mental and anxiety disorders.
While putting a “dollar amount” on the horrendous suffering this woman has gone through may put this story in the headlines, and help bring awareness to abuse, I wonder if this has truly served justice for the woman. $400,000 seems a measley amount for 20 years of suffering. A few million dollars may be a better beginning (but of course, the father wouldn’t be able to pay that).
It was shameful that the father showed no remorse. It was unforgivable that the mother did nothing to protect her daughter from the abuse.
emotional & verbal abuse is what I have dealt with and still am… I am , I am soon to be 46 yrs. young. I am still stuck in my high school years. I am a single Momof 14 yeats and have a very responsible, mature 15 year old son. I adore him beyond belief. I could write a bgook re: tjhe verbal & emotionAl abuse I grew up with w/ a single Momswho raised me alond with alll her vengence & hatred towards me from day 1. She supposedly was subject to being raised by many different foster parents and relatives. I was`constantly told “I was so stupd” and never amount to anything” humiliated in public continously. She`had and still does have huge issues. I never got an ounce of love or support. I never even knew what that was or what it felt like. It turns out I grew up to be quit attractive and talented,which olny made emotional & verbal abuse even worse. I need to write a book…if not for money for HEALING….i WELCOME any responses for help and healing it seems I have not been able to move up, out and betong this living hell, cruella deville is still alive and kicking me into the dirt. Haven’t dated in years, last break up she stated “what did you do make an ass of yourself.”.. I was ( 40 yrs/ old then) No One in my familky seems to want to see me and my son content and happy, when there seems to be a threat of that happening they go silent and really ready to sabbotage it. Please send HELP to smbc20970@yahoo.com
Shannon Casey
11 Aug 06 at 10:26 pm
I apologize for all the typos I am a stickler on spelling…hence My own worst critic, got to pick up where Mommy dearest left off… and still has not let up. My life so far has been a MAde for TV movie (Lifetime channel) un freaking believablewhat I went from home coming queen to cleaning soiled hospital instuments in the dungeon 24/7 while all my friends were gettinga college education with support from their loving caring supportive parents and my cruel nasty vindictive mother said get out of this Apt.or pay half the rent while I was trying to put myself through college. I had no support , coaching,metoring,help…nothing. Absolutley nothing in the encouragement dept.
Shannon Casey
11 Aug 06 at 10:36 pm
Hi Shannon,
I’m sorry to read about your situation and experience.
If the people around you do not provide you with support and encouragement, it may be time to remove yourself from those type of people. It may even mean physically moving away and starting fresh somewhere else, although it may not be realistic for everyone.
Cleaning soiled hospital instruments sounds like a very important job, considering that you’re responsible for the safety of patients who depend on clean hospital instruments. It sounds like a purposeful job, and you can be proud of what you do.
Sometimes we’re put on a particular path, different from someone else’s, for the lessons that we are supposed to learn in our lifetime.
We may not be able to choose whom we’re born to, but we can absolutely choose the type of person we want to become, by choosing what thoughts to think and what words to say to ourselves. At least, that was what worked for me so far.
jane
Jane
15 Aug 06 at 12:20 pm
Hi Jane:
The following is my case: I am a 38 year old male. Since the time I was 4-5 years old my parents started fighting. Every where we went, every vacation we took, at the least expected moment, they would start fighting. The fights would last several days at a time. For me and my siblings it became torture. Several psycologists tried helping, but they all concluded that THERE WAS NO FIXING this situation. So instead of divorcing, they kept on fighting. This went on for close to 25 years. Hell, they still get together and fight !
The oldest brother is 42 years old, has had 3 marriages, a son and daughter in two of those…… my sister who is 40 has had 2 marriages, a child in the first and 3 in the second. She is now happily married (15years), but has needed a lot of counseling. The youngest brother is 36, and still living with Mom because he hasn’t been able to organize himself professionally. And me ? I suffer from depression. I have spent the last few years of my life learning about my condition, and how to get rid of it. It’s been a huge struggle! What I discovered is that almost ALL of what’s happened in my life has been due to the family turmoil we livved for 25 years. When I was I child, no one fought for my rights. I have tried to make my parents understand that my condition is due to their fighting. They have turned their back on me, telling me that I am an adult, that they were good parents, and that they no longer have to help me. They are both economically VERY well off. I need help to get my life back on track. Just so that you know, I am not sitting on my butt waiting for people to help me, quite the contrary, I wake up everyday at 4:30 am, I jog for an hour, I do 1 hour of Yoga, I eat as well as possible (there are days when they have left me with no food). In other words, I am doing as much as possible to help myself. In the community where I live, people appreciate me tremendously, for the work I do. I do not know who else to turn to for help, if not my family. When I ask Mom for help, she says “Go ask you Dad to help you, since he is so perfect” and the same happens when I turn for help towards my father. I have been researching the legal responsibility of parents in cases like mine, but have not been lucky finding information. My intention is not to sue my parents for eveything they have. I wish my parents a good life in the years they have left. But I dont’ believe it’s fair for me to be in this situation. I am not asking for much from them. Just enought to get my life back on track. Monetary wise it would be like 1% of what they currently have. I need money so I can buy clothes, so I can go out with friends and not have holes in my shoes, go to a movie, laugh….. just regular normal things that I need to do to finsih getting rid of depression. Who can I turn to? What should I do?
Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.
Mauricio
Mauricio
7 Sep 06 at 4:59 am
ps:
I can’t get a job right now, because due to the depression, I would probably not be able to hold it for long. I first need to get my energy back to normal levels. I am a GREAT worker. Everywhere I have worked, I have been succesfull. I was top 10 in the NATION (USA) in car sales. I also worked for At&T where I recieved many awards for sales. Etc etc. I dont’ want you to think I am a lazy bum.
Thanks again,
Mauricio
Mauricio
7 Sep 06 at 5:05 am
Hi Mauricio,
I’ve read about your situation carefully a few times. I have no doubt that much of what you experienced in your childhood have given your depression plenty of “fuel” to burn.
If I have read between the lines correctly, you’re looking for some way that would make your parents help you financially, the rationale being that their cantankerous marriage had caused you distress and exacerbated your condition. You may want to speak with a social worker or an attorney, I don’t know what type of legal actions you may take.
I’m encouraged to know that you’re taking charge of your lifestyle and doing what you can to get yourself healthy physically and mentally. Depression does make holding down a job difficult at times, when the illness is at its worst. Given that you have a track record of success, have you looked into jobs that would offer you some flexibility in hours – even part time or freelance jobs? This may help your financial situation so that it does not become yet another factor in exacerbating your depression. I know that when I was a poor graduate student, living on minimum wage and have credit card debt, my financial situation did not help me feel better about my life or depression.
Also, you may want to check whether there are local chapters of support groups for people with depression. Often, it helps to be in a supportive environment and ask for advice from those who understand personally what you are going through.
Finally, from what you have said in your post, it does not sound like your parents are capable of feeling much compassion for you, as they are in their own denial about the type of marriage and parenthood they have had. There’s nothing you can do about that. I understand the feelings of anger you may have toward them. I’ve felt much rage and anger toward my parents and especially my mother over the years. But eventually I realized that they are who they are, and I was making myself miserable trying to change who they are or “getting them to understand” how their choices and behaviors have negatively affected me. Once I accepted this, I was able to refocus the attention back on my own life and how I would choose differently. It meant starting from zero (or negative), and working my own way out. It also meant I could then take credit for what I had accomplished, because I had to be self reliant for survival’s sake. I hope in time you will understand what I have taken years to learn, and relieve your parents of the responsibilities they have barely owned up to.
Wishing you the best,
Jane
Jane
18 Sep 06 at 4:35 pm
I am 31 years old and dealing with a single mother who is bipolar. Her behavior over the last 3 weeks can justify that she is having a relapse. Iv’e grown up all my life with a loving mother who supports every single thing I do. But every now and then usually every 5 to 7 years she has a major relaps where she becomes defensive and emotionaly abusive towards me.
It is hare to handle because when things are good between us its great. And when she relapses its hard for me to keep in mind it is the disorder and not who she really is.
When I offer help or show concern that the medication isn’t working she becomes defensive and puts all the blame on me. She becomes irrational but at the same time will make sense which further confuses me.
I never considered myself a victim of emotional abuse ever until I started searching the internet for ways to deal with my situation. I lived with my mother up until Friday when I left because I couldn’t handle the stress. So far today she knows I am at work and has called me over 10 times between 7 am and 2 pm. Every other phone call is prasing me as a hero and a great daught who she adores and lookes upto and the phone calls in between are telling me how disobedient I am and telling me I am a liar and not trust worthy.
I have been an emotional wreck all day blaming myself for defending my character to my mother.
I am just so frustrated and didn’t realize there were so many different situation and so many other people that I didn’t know I could relate to.
I guess in the midst of my situation and depression I just wanted to say to anyone and everyone who reads this, to hold your head up high, Be strong, things usually get worse before they get better but be strong enough to strive for the better, I understand and God Bless!
Rachel
20 Aug 07 at 11:45 am
Dear Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. From the multiple phone calls that oscillate between praising you and cutting you down, it does indeed sound like your mother is experiencing relapse, and you are at the brunt of her symptoms manifesting.
Understandably, you feel frustrated and feel as if you were an emotional wreck. One thing you may try – and this may be easier than spending energy defending your character to a loved one who is in an unrecognizable state of mind – is to simply agree with everything your mother said about you without having to believe this to be true. If she calls you a hero, agree with that, if she calls you a liar, agree with that. You can choose not to invest any emotional energy fighting it, because this is not a battle you can win.
Thank you for reminding others who know exactly how you feel to “hold your head up high and be strong.”
Jane
Jane Chin, Ph.D.
21 Aug 07 at 2:11 pm
dear racheal,
I am a 43 year old mother of 4 and I have sciaio-affective bi-polar type one, Thankyou for your views on your mother for it at this time beneficial to me and the way that I am when I am relapsing. I cannot promise that this will help when I am in the middle of a relapse but it lets me know that I need to talk to my kids today. thankyou carol
carol staron
25 Aug 07 at 12:52 pm
I am 42 my childhood was horrible a therapist told me to tape telephone conversations with her she said I wish you were dead when I had a son she kept calling hrs on me I did not know I had to move now hes 20 yrs old she loves him like crazy anyway words hurt listen they arent my parents just bad babysitters my father is royalty not kidding my father is JESUS CHRIST he loves me my mother is royalty to OUR LADY QUEEN MARY I feel so sorry for people who dont know who they are in our true MOM and POP POP HE LOVES US so much he cares about everyone run jump celebrate you are loved always we need him like the air we breathe we are alone and weak and vulnerable without him you will never be complete without him PlEASE pray talk get to know himyour life will be great everything will be pure joy HE LOVES YOU 4EVER enjoy your new life doors will open your heart will be joyfull everything will be glorious love u all
tiko
31 Aug 08 at 5:35 pm
Dear Jane,
I am 35 years old, overweight, divorced and now in a loving relationship with a wonderful man. My whole life my dad worked rotating shifts, my brother and I were told always to be quiet, even if dad was up and awake. I remember my dad force feeding my younger brother. Forcing food down the throat, literally. At age 11 I lost my virginity from a boy 17 after telling no numerous times. My mother was working part time but I didn’t tell her what happened until much later. I started smoking cigarettes, became promiscuous and gaining weight. At age 13 I tried to commit suicide but chickened out. I remember rocking myself back in forth in the corner, my mom came into the room and I told her that I needed help and needed to see someone,she said no I didn’t and that I am fine. I remember sitting on my parents bed while they had sex, I was maybe 7 or 8. I remember my mom and dad being seperated (can’t remember if it was before this incident or after)and believed my mom had another boyfriend and/or girlfriend. She was an alcoholic, partied and smoked cigarettes and pot. I remember getting the belt to my butt and hollored at. I found out at 21 that my “dad” was not my biological father. I am treated differently than my younger brother. I get attention from my dad when I gain weight. I made the mistake of telling them that I was either manic-depressive or bipolar. I feel guilty being mad at them because there have been some good times, but what consumes my mind is the bad. I feel that I am full of anger and rage. I am going back to a psychologist this time because I am truly a freak and the last LICSW fell asleep in my sessions. They put me on a cocktail of different drugs that I couldn’t stand and now don’t take any. I am more in control but feel some more issues need to be dealt with. Other than agreeing that counseling would benefit, I would be interested in your thoughts.
Thank you,
Charley
Charley
28 Dec 08 at 6:28 pm
Dear Charley,
Thank you for writing and for sharing your sad story with me. I am sorry to hear of all the tragedies and atrocities that you have experienced in your past.
The guilt is very normal, many children who have been abused develop strong guilt. They feel guilty about thinking ill of the people who have mistreated or discarded them. I think part of your counseling journey will confront this guilt, and see whether this is a productive way to move forward. I personally have found that guilt has hardly helped me, except to make me feel bad about myself.
I know these memories still haunt you now, and they may follow you for many more years to come. Yet you survived. You didn’t “chicken out”. On the contrary, I see your choice to live as showing that you have tremendous courage. It is not easy to live through pain, knowing how it feels to live with pain. I think somehow, your higher self knew that you were born for a reason, and that you needed to remain alive because you are important.
We all serve a purpose, but not all of us become conscious or aware of this. Some of us simply don’t care what the purpose is, and treat our own lives and other people’s lives with no regard. You were dealt with a severe hand, and now you are strong enough to choose to lead the best life you can lead, in spite of what you have experienced in the past. It’s not going to be easy, and you’ll need to hang onto yourself, but I know you are the one who can do it.
Sincerely,
Jane
Jane Chin, Ph.D.
30 Dec 08 at 10:57 am
I may need this article to send to the attorney who hopfully will be suing my Dad for emotional, mental, and physical abuse towards me for over 35 yrs. It started when I was 6 or 7 and he still hasn’t stopped trying. It ends now and forever! He can go to hell…
Debbie Robinson
6 Nov 09 at 7:06 pm