Dealing with Manipulation, Guilt, Emotional Abuse, and Self-Pity
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Ever since I reported on the high suicide rate of Asian American students, I’ve been thinking of writing something for them that addresses cultural conditioning.
Here is what I have observed from my own experience and coming from a first-generation asian immigrant family:
- Many asian parents are amazing at using manipulation, guilt, and self-pity to get their kids to do whatever they want, or at least make them most miserable if the kids disobey. They aren’t necessarily being malicious on purpose, they just learned it from their parents.
- I need to live the life I want to live, NOW, or I’ll die living the expectations of my parents, and do a crappy job at it anyway because I’d be miserable.
- Most families – asian or other – are pretty dysfunctional. I know I’m not the only daughter who has ever fallen victim to a mentally unstable mother. Knowing that I’m not the person this has ever happened to makes me feel less alone and more optimistic about overcoming these mental and emotional obstacles I’ve built over the years.
- I get depressed because I turn anger inwards, on myself, instead of expressing anger and setting boundaries.
- The harder I resist and try to change who my parents are, the harder I fail, because I can’t change my parents to get them to love me the way I want them to love me.
- I have learned to count my blessings and appreciate friends and my spouse for loving me the way that I want to be loved.
Up until a few years ago, I would get into fights with my mother whenever she starts to “talk trash.” What I mean by “talking trash” is making condescending statements or saying things to elicit guilt in other people or being very negative or wallowing in self-pity. She knows how to push my buttons, and I let her push my buttons.
One afternoon we were speaking on the telephone, and my mother started talking trash. She made comments like she shouldn’t have brought us to the US, and how we don’t behave like caring children because we never visited, and how her friends’ children treated their mothers so well compared with how we treated her, and if she died we probably wouldn’t care one iota.
Sound familiar?
Normally, my brain would pick up the signal to pick a fight and try to prove to her that she was wrong and that she should look at her own behaviors and that we were good kids.
For some reason I got sick of resisting that day, and something else came out of my mouth. I started agreeing with her.
I agreed that she shouldn’t have brought us to America. I agreed that we were crappy kids. I agreed that she was all alone and being ignored. I agreed that we might as well have come out from a rock. I agreed with whatever she was complaining about, and I offered no solution or reconciliation or amends whatsoever.
And she grew quiet and we ended the conversation rather well because we had no argument.
The toughest part about this technique is working with my ego to swallow the insults and offer no resistance and agreeing with something I didn’t agree with. But with practice, my ego got over it and my mother’s manipulation loosened its grip on my sanity.
The strange thing is that our relationship has actually improved since I stopped resisting, even when I have offered her no behavioral changes on my part.
I’m not going to lie and say that my emotionally and mental well-being has completely recovered from the different things I had endured with my mother when I was a little girl. To this day I still work on my mental conditioning and internal messages on a daily basis – so we’re talking about 30+ years and counting. But each day, I get a little better and I unlearn a little bit of the cruel messages I had learned to believe about who I am.
And it can get better for you too.
RELATED ARTICLES:
Letter to the Soul of a Wounded Child
Fear of Success and How Kids Become Bullies
Father Liable for $400,000 for Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse is About Violations of Humanity and Dignity
Child Abuse: Change Begins with Awareness
Asian Students, Depression, and Suicide: Begin with the Parents!
No. 1 — December 12th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
yes. i feel the same way with my parents. whenever i`m not the absolute BEST in a class or group, they say my principal downgraded me because they dont like me. they say they’re jealous -__- i find this very annoying. i can never satisfy them. when i get 100% on a test, they want over 100. i feel like dying sometimes. i just can never be loved.
No. 2 — December 13th, 2006 at 11:04 am
hello anonymous:
i’ve learned that i could never make people love me the way that i want them to love me if they are incapable of loving me that way. any effort on my part to force people to change into a certain way is wasted effort.
so, i started counting the people who love me as i am, and these may not be your parents. i spend more energy appreciating those people who build me up and relate with me the way that makes me feel good.
remember you have a choice to believe what you want to believe. you can choose not to buy into what they said about jealousy or “being liked” or even needing to satisfy them at all.
jane
No. 3 — January 23rd, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I had no idea I’d find someone with a relatively similar problem as mine. I liked your choice of words “loosened her grip on my sanity” what freaks me out the most is, am I truley prepared to know the truth of whether my mother is aware of her abusive tactics or if she is oblivious to how much of a pain in the neck she can be? Some people are a certain way and aren’t aware of the damage they cause around them, especially if they have a diagnosed mental condition. Nonetheless the whole situation is very unfortunate and emotionally draining.
No. 4 — January 24th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Hi Sandra, this is one club I hate to welcome you to, but welcome.
Does it really matter whether you find out whether your mother is aware or unaware of what she is doing? I used to think so. I thought so because I figured, if she is aware, then I would have a legitimate reason to live in my victim role. If she is not, then I would have a legitimate reason to live in my victim role.
(No, that was not a mistake in my typing.)
The truth is, it doesn’t really matter whether another person is aware of her actions or not. You can’t change it – and especially you cannot “try to be the best little girl in the world hoping to get her to love you.” If that had worked, it would have worked long time ago, when you were still a little girl.
The only thing that matters is how you have decided to live your life, see yourself, and love yourself. Regardless of how your history with your mother may have conditioned you.
My best,
Jane
No. 5 — April 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Hi Jane,
This is a great article, and I think this particular flavor of parental guilting is very distinctly Asian-American.
It especially doesn’t help when you’re the only child of a needy and insecure single mom who still lives with her parents in Taiwan. My flighty and bull-headed mother focuses all of her energies, hopes, and desires onto me and what I’m doing with my life, and it’s nothing short of exasperating.
She’s never satisfied with the boyfriend, who always seems to be intruding on me-and-her time. On a good day, she’ll humor my ideas of bringing him home to Taiwan. On a bad day, she gets bitterly jealous and breaks out into tears over how much I break her heart when I even bring up his name. It leaves me speechless. She wants me to be her husband, and restore (literally) the home and property she lost when her marriage fell apart.
I don’t know what to do, except savor the days in between her phone calls and the months in between her visits, never knowing whether our next conversation or meeting will be a pleasant one or end in tears.
Does anyone have experience with reasoning with this kind of difficult, possessive mom?
No. 6 — April 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Hi L,
It sounds like your mom is experiencing identity issues, namely, not really having her own identity (not sure if this is due to becoming a single mom and no longer having the identity of “spouse, wife, Mrs. so-and-so” or whether living at home with parents has something to do with that also) and therefore she has identified her life almost completely with yours.
It sounds like you have that physical distance between you yet no emotional distance. I’m wondering if you’d consider trying what I had done and just agree with her that you’re breaking her heart and not offer a solution. You’ve however accepted the burden of guilt that is not yours to bear, and as hard as this may be to hear, you may want to examine deeply why you have accepted this and allowing yourself and your identity to be possessed.
You may ultimately need to turn the tables around and become the mature parent that she is not. Imagine if you have a needy, dependent child who is no longer a child (i.e. that child has grown into an adult of thirty-something years – way past the “child needs” period) but who cannot cut the cord from you and live her own life. As a parent who looks at the best interest of the child, how would you parent her so that she can survive on her own? You don’t have to give her the boot, per se, and do something dramatic, but you may want to encourage her to develop her own independence by engaging in relationships and the world beyond *just you*.
This is by no means easy.
My best wishes for you,
Jane
No. 7 — April 6th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Hi Jane,
I like your article, my mother raised me the same way, I could never be enough for her, and it dawned on me one day that she probably resented me for some unknown reason, I just did not know for what. But when confronted, she admitted that since the day I was born, she did resent me because I recieved attention from my father, and she no longer recieved 100% attention. And now I still try to have a relationship with her, but I know I don’t have to have her approval to accept myself today. What a spiritual awakening!
No. 8 — April 6th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Hi Jenifer,
Isn’t it amazing that the moment we no longer needed someone’s approval, we seem to garner it more readily than when we go out of our way to desperately gain it!
I understand where you are coming from, as my personal experience has been similar. When I was young, my father gave me attention as I shown a liking to study, and he was a scholarly type. It was obvious that my mother felt left out as well as developed an inferiority complex, and as I was growing up, she accused me of acting superior and arrogant and looking down on her.
I am now more awakened to the love she was probably deprived of all of her life, and therefore, the insecurity was very strong and this led to a sense of competition when there is truly none. Of course I was oblivious to this growing up, and it made me a basketcase.
No. 9 — June 8th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
[...] a reader of my mental health website (chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage), who had read an article on dealing with emotional manipulation and parental-inflicted guilt that I’d written. The reader was so comforted by it that she said she would print it out to [...]
No. 10 — August 28th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
hi. My mom is a combination of all of the above ;P I am looking for a solution. I am feeling out boundaries, for one, in order to protect myself. I want to ask about your technique of being compliant or always agreeing. I feel that when I agree, I am being dishonest. I am encouraging her. I am often, depending on context, taking on burdens and giving false impressions. How is it healthy to, for example, agree that it is all your fault or that your intentions were ill-founded? Are you suggesting that we present two faces, one to the world and one to our mother? Wouldn’t it be wiser to just be an active listener; to paraphrase what she has said? I appreciate any insight
No. 11 — December 13th, 2008 at 12:53 am
I am so in tune with this. I am 51 now and my mother is still a tyrant at 80! Only now all my family have died and it’s just me and her!! I live on the other side of the world from her now but still the guilt trip continues. What a waste of energy and time.
The best book on this subject is: “When you and your mother can’t be friends” by Victoria Secunda. You can get it from Amazon. It really helped me….
No. 12 — February 5th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I want to laugh and cry after reading this – just got off the phone after another major fight with my mother. As far as I can tell, she wants to control every decision I make – especially when it comes to things that reflect badly on her (education, major, boyfriend/husband, buying a house, kids). We used to be super close and I think that was in part because I lied to her all the time. I agree with amy above that we shouldn’t lie, even though it seems to be the more protective thing to do (and much easier on the ears). First of all, it encourages us to be ashamed of and hide who we really are. And secondly, it just feeds the cycle and doesn’t improve how we feel about ourselves. Just tell them the truth. Lay it out there. Let them scream and rant and cry and disown you. [While this is going on, I try not to cry and remember "I love them, I love them, I love them". Warning, this is a painful exercise if you're a daughter and have never tried it before, but it's necessary. Yes. Absolutely necessary. ] And then when they’re done tell them you love them and then remind them when you’re coming home next. They have to learn to deal with reality is the bottom line. If they have a problem with reality, then it’s really their problem. And reality is that you’re not a bad kid and you’re good the way you are (unless you’re doing drugs or purposefully hurting yourself in some way, which then you should probably stop). You love them, but you’re going to refuse to let them make you miserable.
No. 13 — April 23rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Wow, i’m so glad to have found this site. I feel a sense of relief to know that i’m not the only one going through this. My mum and i used to be very close when i was very little, my father was very abusive as we were growing up and i was always the one standing up trying to protect her from his vilonce etc. Now that i am 36 we have a very superficial relationship and she uses all forms of manipulation and guilt on me…i no longer fall for the guilt and see through the manipulation. I have constant nightmares about her, where i am trying desperately to make her understand and listen to who i am and in my dream she knows everything but doesn’t want to listen to me anyway. I find this so selfish because it’s all about her and getting me to live the life she wants. I refuse to pretend to be something i am not. If anyone can give me some advice i would really appreciate it as i feel crazy at times and depressed because she shuts me down. I’m visiting her at present overseas and i have 9 weeks living in her house. I’m finding it very difficult to deal with.
No. 14 — April 25th, 2009 at 10:43 am
To Amy, who asked “Are you suggesting that we present two faces, one to the world and one to our mother?”
No, I am suggesting that we present our true self to the world, which would include our mothers (I know some of us believe that our mothers are not living in the real world, that’s another story)! HOWEVER, we also must be prepared to face the fact that not everyone – including our mothers – can accept or like what we present. They will try to change us so that we present what they can accept. Then the decision remains with you: are you courageous enough to still be who you are, even when you know someone you love don’t want to see the real you?
To B: From the little you have shared, I feel like your mom is having a hard time accepting that you’re no longer going to make her the center of your universe, and serve as her protector WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND. She should have been the one protecting you from your abusive father! Now that you are grown and you are building a life of your own, she may feel like she has lost the luxury of living unconsciously and counting on guilt from her child to enable this unconscious living.
My advice for you is that YOU ARE FEELING NORMAL FEELINGS of wondering if you’re crazy and depressed because the person you love can’t seem to “get it” and grow up like the adult she’s supposed to be. Your feelings will not necessarily stop, but believe me, you’ll become better at managing these feelings, and they will have less of a grip on you. Minimizing contact where possible helps.
No. 15 — May 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hi Jane I have been reading the comments on this site for a while. I too am a member of this dubious clan.
I am a surgical resident and I get 40 hours of rest every week. I was recommended this site by my girlfriend who thinks that if left unaddressed my depression could affect my work. I am really glad to have read the posts above and realized that I am not alone.
Unfortunately, my entire family lives in an alternate reality – thanks to the trash my mother has been feeding them. They seem to think that I am the only heartless and selfish member of the family. I am treated to stories of how good other “children” are. I am 25 and I still get compared to 7 year olds.
The worst of it is, whenever we argue, they cannot see the hypocrisy and outright lunacy of their “demands.” I have tried lying to placate them, but this only seems to whet their appetites. “I have made progress recently”, they have said in the most condescending voice. I really hate lying to people who I care about. It’s like taking lines out of one of those Communist Chinese New Year specials. It just disgusts me, but they indicated I have to do it because they raised me and their intentions were always good – despite being predominately absent in my life for the past 20 years. (Why can’t my intentions be good and suffice?)
This is all intermixed of course with nonsense that I am a failure at life and socially incompetent – so I must learn from them. I lost my voice in my last argument because their reality is starting to color mine. The constant attacks have made me weary of any statement or evaluation I get at work – mostly because they seem TOO positive.
I have this morose look about me most of the time and people constantly ask me if everything is all right. I don’;t know who to turn to and I don’t want to drag my girlfriend into this (she’s Norwegian). I am afraid she possibly can’t understand and I am afraid of dependence on her for my happiness. I really don’t know what to do or any of us can do. How can we be a good person in both worlds?
No. 16 — May 22nd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Dear NFT,
while I can’t tell if you have clinical depression (this may be something for you to find out from a licensed medical professional even though you may be tempted to self diagnose bc you’re a MD)… I want to expand on something your girlfriend said about how depression, if left untreated, can affect your work.
Yes, this is indeed true. Untreated depression can affect your work, but this pales in importance next to the havoc it can wreak on YOUR LIFE. Believe me, “work” is not as important as “life”, even though some of us behave in contrary to this reality.
Thus first, find out if you may be suffering from depression for your own Life’s sake. I didn’t start seeking help until I was 26 or 27, and I WISH I HAD REALIZED I HAD DEPRESSION YEARS EARLIER. It would have saved me from so many self destructive actions.
I would not have made my own life a living hell. I would have believed that life can actually be lived with a big smile on my face the very moment I wake up (this happens on most mornings in my life now, even if I have many of the normal stresses and worries in life).
You’re trained in the sciences, and given how far you’ve come in your medical career, I assume that you have a strong command of logic and reasoning. This makes what you are facing from your parents extremely painful, as I personally experienced. My pain came from 1) my desire to be loved in a healthy, positive way from the very people whom I should depend on to love me in a healthy, positive way, and 2) my inability to change my loved ones’ behaviors such that being around them would not be the emotional equivalent of diving into a nuclear waste dump and 3) my inability to reconcile that we all share the same genetic pool and whether this meant I was as nutty as my family members (I may very well be)!
From what you’ve written, it sounds like your repeated attempts to ‘reason’ met with futility and this has caused you tremendous frustration and sadness. You said “the worst of it is…” they can’t see past their own hypocrisy. If you hate lying to people you care about, then stop lying and start telling the truth AND be willing to face their reactions when you start telling the truth. Often, people drip with sarcasm and condescension when they feel like their very foundational beliefs have been threatened. It can be very scary for a person who has believed in doing something the same way all his or her life, to suddenly have to accept that this is a big lie, and that in the process he or she has severely and repeatedly injured a child. Now this child has grown up and is coming back and telling them the reality of these injuries – and this makes people very defensive.
Maybe you can try what I have tried on my parents, and stop resisting. Let them believe, and even agree with them, that what they say about you is true to them, and that’s how life is going to be. Example:
MOM & DAD “You are the most heartless and selfish member of this family!”
YOU “Yes, you may be right, I am the most heartless and selfish, I have the heart of a wolf and the lungs of a dog.” (I think this is a common chinese term to describe a horrible person, I’ve been called that by my parents at one time)
MOM & DAD “look at mrs. li’s kids- # 1 in everything. perfectly obedient. gives random foot rubs to parents!”
YOU “Yes, you may be right, you really don’t have a good son, I feel very sad for you that I am unchangeable and can’t be the son you wish you have.”
do you see what I’m trying to suggest? if you stop putting a lot of energy resisting, then they have nothing to push. simple physics – action v. reaction.
Look at all the people who DO believe in you, who DO think you are a wonderful, smart, productive, kind-hearted person. Are you saying that all those people are much more stupid than your own parents, because they can’t see all the negative things about you that your parents seem to see?
Look at the facts and evidence – this is where our scientific training becomes useful. Look at the personalities and characters of people who believe in you and your ability to do amazing things. Look at the personalities and characters of people who constantly tear you down. Which group, as an objective outsider, would you believe in?
My best wishes to you,
Jane Chin
(p.s. this can be a life-long practice for you, because it is for me, and I promise you – over time, you get better at managing it, like many things in life. you can build up your mental and emotional toughness like a muscle. I have, and i still practice doing it every day.)
No. 17 — October 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
My mother knowingly or unknowingly can push my buttons. I was a single parent thirty years ago, and she stills continues to say that she is my daughters mother to, that she raised her too ( we lived with them for four years) I have tried to say nicely that she is not her mother, but she just pushes the matter. What makes this more hurtful is that my daughter does not correct my mother. I stand alone. I have let this go for years, but am tried of my mother not knowing her place as grandmother not mother. She seems to have no bounderies
It is so hurtful and I’m told I’m jealous, but I’m not I just do not understand, this way of thinking, and I get terribly angry and explode at her.
Everyone who knows my mother says that she is manipulative. How do I stop this circle so I can stop hurting?
No. 18 — October 19th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Dear Susan,
I am sorry that this relationship with your mother is giving you so much pain.
The truth about emotional manipulation – and therefore partly the answer to your question, “how do I stop this circle…?” – is that emotional manipulation is possible because of 2 requirements:
1) the person doing the manipulating finds the “buttons” to push, and
2) the person being manipulated agrees what the “buttons” are.
In other words, your mother can’t manipulate you with what she says or does regarding your daughter UNLESS you agree that these are very important buttons for you, and therefore, pushable. The more you resist and fight and argue, the more positive feedback you’re giving her. You are giving out signs that say “yes, that really pisses me off, that is what gets me angry, I care tremendously about that.”
To stop the circle, you simply stop resisting. If she says your daughter is her daughter, don’t argue – and if you want to have a little fun you can even say – “I can see why you would think that way… thanks for caring! Our daughter is so lucky.”
To stop the hurt, that’s harder… and it takes time, and when you choose not to let this hurt you – that what she does to you, does not change how you are as a person and does not prevent you from still making a positive life for yourself – that may be a starting point.
My thoughts are with you and ((((Hug))))
jane
No. 19 — February 17th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Wow. I just read through these posts and am relieved to know I am not alone! My parents are not Asian (although I have amazingly wonderful, Asian friends) but I feel extremely manipulated and guilt tripped by my German mother. As a child I felt I had a good relationship with her but after dad left mom for another woman (when I was 15 years old) she dumped her pain and anger onto me, screaming at me about the smallest things. She no longer screams at me but still is extremely harsh and bossy and has often put me down critizing me in front of others people even my friends. As a result I am hesitating to let my friends have contact with her anymore. Experience has it that if I try to ask her to not do these things, she tells me she has done nothing wrong and that I am oversensitive (which may be atleast partly true) and she seems unwilling to admit that she has anything at all to learn from this. There is no reasoning with her. Sometimes I feel downright sorry for her because I know she is lonely and feeling rejected (my father is not well these days and I spend a lot of time helping him and not seeing her as much). I feel a lot better when I can spend time daily praying (when I am alone) for her and her own healing… I try not to think about the insulting things she has said to/about me, and I try to focus on the good – but there are days when I still struggle with deep feelings of worthlessness. My brother agrees she can be very critical and insensitive, but he just chooses to “not take it seriously” and thinks I should do the same. He was a rebel growing up at home and today his relationship with mom seems much better than mine is with her. I would like to be like my brother and just ignore the hurtful comments she makes. I will think about some version of agreeing with her, although I have to admit I don’t want to lose my integrity and feel I am lying. Perhaps I could simply restate what she has said in terms of her beliefs, ie “I understand that you believe such-and-such about me”. and leave it at that. I realize nobody can change my mom and I need to focus on changing how I feel – easier said than done though. Thanks for the above posts. I am feeling a bit more hope. If anyone has further suggestions I will consider them. Blessings to you all
HMM
No. 20 — February 17th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Oops, I should clarify something from my last post:
When I said “As a result I am hesitating to let my friends have contact with her anymore.” I actually meant “As a result I am hesitating to invite my friends to her place when I go there”. I have no desire to control when and where my friends meet my mother … except that I may not explicitly invite my friends to meet her when I visit her.
cheers –
HMM
No. 21 — February 22nd, 2010 at 2:01 am
Dear HMM:
Some thoughts as I read your personal experience with emotional abuse ~
“…she tells me she has done nothing wrong and that I am oversensitive…” Of course – because you were conditioned to be oversensitive! How else would you have survived living with a parent who has transferred all her anger of betrayal onto you? You had to learn to walk around eggshells because this was literally the world you were given by your mother. Your sensitivity was developed as a required adaptive skill so you can survive. Now that you are an independent adult, you can assess whether this degree of sensitivity serves you – whether it is situational (i.e. when you are around your mother) – or all the time with other people. Then you can decide whether you want to do anything about it.
“she seems unwilling to admit that she has anything at all to learn from this” You can choose to stop trying to help her learn anything from this. A person can only become aware and awakened to her life lessons when she chooses – and even then – we may not be the best (or right) teachers when our parents become ready for this learning. I am speaking from personal experience
“but there are days when I still struggle with deep feelings of worthlessness” I understand. When we have been emotionally abused for such a long time, we become conditioned to view ourselves from the abusers’ perspective, and then we add onto that perspective our personal feelings of being unloved – and this becomes a deep feeling of worthlessness. It takes consistent self-reminders of who we really are to counter this false image of ourselves – and even then – it will take years of disciplined self-reminder and proactively living life courageously before we begin to slowly – but surely – believe that we are lovable and valuable and worthy.
Finally… you and I are not our brothers, you and I cannot be “like” our brothers or anyone else other than who we are, with the experiences we personally have had. The best approach is to be ourselves and then make our choices and decisions from this place of integrity.
Best wishes,
Jane
No. 22 — February 22nd, 2010 at 2:48 am
[...] One of the most popular entries on this site is a personal story on emotional abuse. Even though these wounded children have grown up to become adults and many appear to lead very [...]
No. 23 — February 22nd, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Hello Jane,
Thanks for your insight, especially the part about “sensitivity” having been a survival mechanism I could choose to decide what to do about. I very rarely experience these kind of problems with anyone other than my mother. I do struggle with the whole idea of what is my emotional obligation to my mother (she is in good health and has plenty of money but she is lonely – though my brother lives next door to her and she has a good relationship with him as far as I can tell) as an adult daughter living in the same town, my mother wants me to visit her weekly if possible but I just do not wish to be in her environment of criticism and I feel guilty about avoiding her. this is one of my main struggles now. But I am also coming to the conclusion that there is not much point in visiting her out of “guilt”. It will only be worth anything if I choose it out of love, and can try to not let her criticism get me feeling bad about myself. Easier said than done though! But I do believe it must be possible
Thanks again. and also I appreciate your letter to the soul of the wounded child.
No. 24 — March 4th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Oh wow…thanks for writing about this. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I feel like I have failed my mother because I am not the woman she would like me to be.
But…
According to her, I think they are monster parents. I don’t.
I try to make things better for them and protect my sister from this kind of treatment. That’s the worst part for me, my sister has to live with my parents. And she is treated like this.
Another thing I hate is the fear of what people will say. My parents are constantly afraid of what people will say and trying to manipulate me into being afraid. I can’t write what I want because, “What would people say???” I am torn between doing what my parents want and doing what I know is right for me. (sigh) I like what you said about not needing her approval. I will never be able to please her. So, why try? Everyday I should just let go of the guilt of not being able to please her.
Anyway, I wrote an article on cultures and abuse here: http://www.examiner.com/x-26490-Third-Culture-Kids-Examiner~y2010m1d14-Cultures-and-abuse-part-three–Emotional-abuse
Thanks for your insight.
No. 25 — March 30th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Asian parents are absolutely ridiculous. We all hate them, but inside we just really want them accept us and to love us no matter what grade we get. But then again, we all know that this is a dream. This is very unfortunate, and I just cannot comprehend how they do not understand the negative affect that they are causing to their children. Manipulation, verbal/emotional abuse, mental health problems, depression, anxiety, social problems… These are the things we suffer because of our parents’ heartless words that only promotes our resentment of them. It’s unbelievably sad. To be rejected by the people who should have unconditional love for you as they are your parents. It’s heartbreaking and something that should be addressed. They care more about your grades than your happiness and health. I find this to be ridiculous and unethical. It’s definitely hard to talk about this to anybody that I know because if an adult becomes knowledgeable of these serious problems, they are most likely to contact your parents. And that will cause further problems. We can only suffer silently. It’s unavoidable and depressing. Even though we live in this new modern world… How I wish things could change.
No. 26 — March 31st, 2010 at 7:23 am
Hi Jane
Too be honest, I’m not sure I really belong in this circle of people. Yes, I’m Asian, with incredibly overbearing and ineffably annoying Asian parents. But, I’m only 14, so I can only relate to the childhood section of what you’re saying; though I hope I’ll never have to relate to the next part.
My parents really are ‘Asian’, in the way you and other readers have discussed. Top expectations, no pride in their children, no sense of their children’s rights, thoughts or opinions. Just their own ideas and opinions, and absolutely no thought about what their children want or like. They’re always comparing me to other kids. “Oh, wow, Mr Li’s son is top of his class, and everytime I see him he is studying.”
“Go and do your study. No child at your school does as little study as you do.”
I’m in Year 9. I get straight A’s most of the time. No, I’m not top of my year, but so what? How about I compare YOU to other parents?
“Matt’s mum is really nice. She always treats him equally and quite obviously loves him. God, I wish I were him, it would be great not feeling like slitting my wrists everytime I’m around my mum!”
And then she’ll always talk some crap about me being the most selfish, stupidest, ungrateful child a parent could have. Oh, how much she suffered when she had to walk so far to that university, not being able to afford anything. How she had to work so hard to provide for her children.
Okay mum. You’ve suffered. You’re not the only victim. I’ve studied hours every week to please you. I’ve spent hours every night learning a language I hate. I’ve sat and listened to your endless lectures about my uslessness and other kids’ greatness. Hey mum, how ’bout I kill myself? A win-win situation; you don’t have to put up with your dimwitted, useless son, and I won’t have to put up with having crap parents, and a depressing life!
Yeah, that’s a good idea mum! I bet you’re surprised an idiot like me could think of something like that! Actually, let’s do it now! I’ll kill myself, and we’ll both be better of won’t we!
Honestly, I don’t see how everyone else put up with their Asian parents and reached 25 years of age. It’s nuts. It’s screwed up. I can’t explain it. It’s ineffable. Yes, I love my parents. They feed, clothe and shelter me. But I think, and notice that that’s about it. They are perhaps the worst parents in the world. Their value as role models is zero. They do nothing else except expect me to take their dust, and turn it into gold. So, after a good think, I’ll always come to the conclusion, that I hate them.
Thanks for listening,
CO
No. 27 — April 13th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Dear CO – Thanks for your post. Even though I’m not Jane – I still want to reply and say first of all I really can empathize, having often struggled with suicidal feelings myself, on account of emotional abuse I experienced from my mother. Please do not kill yourself, as tempting as that may be! Your are a very valuable human being in God’s eyes – no matter what you have experienced at home.
I am now in my mid 40′s. and today I am really glad I did not kill myself, having come to understand (especially recently) that the way I was treated by my mother has nothing to do with who I am, and I can still feel good about myself. In fact the more I have grown in this confidence recently, I am finding she is actually starting to treat me better. But even when she does not – it does not bother me as much any more. I am beginning to enjoy life more and more, almost daily now! You may be wondering why it took me so long, so many years! My problem was that unfortunately I did not recognize the emotional abuse (I blamed it all on myself) for so many years. Fortunately you are recognizing it so you can begin to deal with it already now. It is not easy but I assure you there is hope. Try to love yourself and (I know this is very hard, but) try not to hate your parents as that will only hurt your health in the long run. You can hate or disagree with the abusive ways that they treat you yet try to forgive them (not that you have to agree with what they did because it sure was wrong) because this will free you from the horrible grip of the abuse they subjected you to – and try focus on seeing yourself as valuable and get support from other sources, friends who can value you for who you are. You are in the fortunate state that you can start young now. (it took me till I was in my late 30′s till I even recognized my problem!)
CO – please remember you and your life are valuable. You have years ahead you can enjoy – and deserve to enjoy! I send you best and warmest wishes!
No. 28 — April 15th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Dear CO,
Thanks for sharing so honestly about your personal experiences with your mother. You do belong in this circle, I am sorry to have to welcome you to this group, we all started out as the 14 year old realizing a very skewed standard of expectation from a parent who does not add the type of “love” we need to the phrase “tough love”. And we do not even ask for much in the “love” department… a kind word now and then and maybe something like “I’m proud of you! Even though most of the time I’m really hard on you, but it’s the way I learned how to parent…”
Thinking back to my adolescent years (I’d actually left home at one point), it was around the age of 13 or 14 when I decided that I’ve had it, I wasn’t going to believe the stuff that I had long believed about myself from my mother’s careless comments or deliberately cutting remarks. However, 14 is also a very tough time to begin with, for any young adult. Your hormones are raging and it really messes with your mind sometimes too (I’m almost 40 now and I STILL get messed up by my hormones now and then
and this makes the experience all the more difficult to bear.
Writing about it helped me a lot. It was one way for me to get my thoughts and anger out on paper and get it off my mind, at least temporarily. Having one or two friends whom you really, really trust helped a little bit for me. That was because I was so introverted and troubled, I didn’t want to have friends. I was too self conscious, and I wondered why anybody would want to be friends with me (since I was told that I was too ______ {whatever negative you could think of}), but having a person you trust who truly sees you for all the great qualities that you have – and you DO have them – I could tell from your writing – that can help provide a bit of balance to the mind trash that you may get daily.
As for the thoughts of self harm… I think those in our situation will have them at some point, but take it from me – it is not worth wasting your time trying to change them this way. And it really is our desperate attempt to get them to see things the way we see it, and admit how hurtful they can be and have been. They just don’t get it, not because they don’t love you or hate you – but because they are simply incapable of getting it, at least for now. I actually told my mom what you wanted to try, and you know what she did? She laughed at me! Talk about rubbing salt and gravel into a bleeding heart. That won’t change them.
Here is how I changed them (it took me 30 years to figure this out but I’ll tell you the secret now so you don’t need to use 15+ years to figure it out) – I trained myself to discern between people’s whose opinions are based in FACT and COMMON SENSE – and I learned to believe the good things about me that these people whose opinions are more “sane” – then slowly but surely I removed my personal need for my parents’ approval, and learned to not believe at face value everything they said about me. Because let’s face it, the reason why I was so miserable was because I DID believe it deep down inside, and I hated that I believed it, but I didnt know this.
See this as going on a diet – the principles are the same. You take in more positive, good feedback about your value as a person + reinforce it with your behaviors supporting your own goodness and value, than you take in the negative crap that erodes this perception of self worth. As long as you intake more positive than negative, you can keep that negativity in check.
Believe it or not, one day down the road you will be able to see your parents as role models; I look at them and I am grateful that from them I can learn what NOT to do with my life, my relationships, and my child.
My best to you and all of you who are in this group!
Jane
No. 29 — June 20th, 2010 at 6:27 am
Hi, Not sure I am in the correct area but will write it anyway. My (adult)niece moved back to home state once her husband was under sea (navy) for 6 months. Prior to this she was not speaking to family members because she is dirty to her mother and I defended her mother (my sister) to her. Although she was not speaking to me she text me asked me for help with her child while her husband was under sea. I told her I could not come to her state but be happy to keep the baby for a week if she would bring her to MD. She did and one week turned into 2. Her mother stayed with me (baby’s grandmom) and we had a blast with the baby at the same time concerned that a mother should not be away from her child for 2 weeks. We were not going to say this because my neice will write you off at drop of disagreement and we wanted the baby in our lives. Few weeks later she dropped her off again for 2 more weeks. The she took her mother home with her for 2 weeks. All the while treating her mother like dirt because she claims to have had a bad childhood. (her childhood was not bad it was skiddish after her parents divorced but not awful.) NO abuse or neglect. Anyway she ended up rented her married house out and moving here with her family. She stated she wanted out her marriage and wanted the baby to have her family nearby to love. So she did she moved here and we (my sister and I) watched the baby love the baby. Having the baby to us was better then winning the lottery. My neice and I got a long ok but mostly because I ate up her crap so she would not write us off and we would not see the baby again. Over a period of 1 yr she left the baby with me about 70% of the time and some of that time about 25% my sister the baby grandmother was with me. The baby grew to love us as when she was here our whole house (uncle, cousins,) just loved her to death. She almost never wanted to go home with her mom. I felt bad when she cried to stay with me. Then one day her mom took her to see her father in ct and came back to MD had a moving sale and moved to CA with a guy in the Navy who she met in CT., she changed her phone number, we have no contact because I told her what she was doing was unstable and unreasonalbe. Taking the child from her family she loved and loved her to move with a guy in CA. Well thats all she wrote. We think the child is still with her father a month later and he was allowing us to talk on the phone with her. He was ok with what his wife was doing (he was the only one ok with it ) which was strange to me.
The father agreed to allow us to see the baby for a weekend then changed his mind said we needed the moms permission knowing well we could not get hold of her. I got upset and asked him where his backbone was. Well that was all she wrote on that end. We are not allowed to call the baby now. My sister (baby grandmother last time she talked to the baby said the baby asked to see her and me in a desperate tone. My sister got emotional and told baby mom mom will call you back in a little while. Well we have not been able to get him to answer the phone since. We dont know where in CA the mom is or who at this point has the baby. We want the baby back in MD and I have a feeling my neice will call on me when she wants a two week babysitter, but my sister cannot stop crying and worring. I cry everyday and so does my sister. I think they wanted to hurt us and in the midst is hurting the baby. I am looking for advise how to handle these type of people so we can see the baby. I dont feel we should kiss up to them because I feel that is allowing them to use the baby as a pawn to treat people any old way they want and thats not fair to the child. But on the other hand I will do anything so that my sister and I can spend time with the child. Because I feel this is mental abuse to the chld – I would take custody of her if I thought I had a shot and the money to fight for it. But I have been laid off for 17 months. Can you offer any advise. I feel the treatment is mental abuse to the child, unstable (as she has no place to really call her own home, and I am worried when the mom gets her back what will she do for a babysitter when she wants to play with her boyfriend.