As the others have commented, I too found very profound your quote:

“My personal experience tells me that the experience of depression heightened my sensation and perception of a particular shade of the color of the world.”

I have never had medication or have had therapy with a psychologist/phychiatrist. I have only used my mind, the internet and friends and traveled a long neverending journey towards “enlightment” or personal growth (say it how ever you wish).

Not a long time ago a friend and I came with the concept of humans having “caves” inside their minds. These caves are infinite thoughts/feelings/experiences/etc that constitute our personas. Each person has a different cave and behaves differently with it. For instance, I usually dive in and feel warm and safe; I start having these creative thoughts (dark and light - I wouldn’t say bad or good. I don’t believe in these words - according to the my mood). Although I have a lot of darkness in my cave and it hurts me a lot I consider it part of myself and I love myself. I love myself because I like all aspects of life I have experienced so far. And I have experienced dark and light. I like life the way it is. However, when I see that what is inside my cave hurts me and the ones around me I try to understand what it is, analyze it and somehow get it out in a “healthy” way. Nevertheless, I have also realized that there’s always going to be something in my cave because it is infinite. The world in infinite and thus the waters in my opinion will never be flat. On the other hand I won’t let them destroy my ship.

What I have understood so far about myself is this concept - which again is my way of seeing the world. There’s definitely others which off course I will try to investigate!! People are different but can share some qualities. I for instance like to be lonely at some times. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Now I don’t. I accept myself as who I am (again as far as It doesn’t hurt me or others). And when I understood this I started being more open to different kinds of feelings and experiences. However, the ones I felt before are here and they will always be - because they are me!

I contradict myself many times and I found a beauty (and a ugliness in that). But this is what makes my brain work and thus creative. I just have to “control” the way I work with my cave. Again though, I am scared to open it too much even if I know it is infinite and it will always be there. I am scared of not liking the things I liked and like (even though I wrote before that I still feel what I felt). It’s a very weird feeling that I get.

And now for something crazy: I love this feeling! Because it makes me think and grow.

I have been though fases of feeling super excited, down, or whatever. And I will go through them again and again. Because life is not flat.

Finally, I’d like to say that I have a thirst for life with all its aspects. I love the light and I love the darkness. I love anger and I love love. I am a sensitive person and I want to feel all aspects of life as long as I remain “healthy” and don’t hurt myself and others.

Thank you for reading this rather particular view of the world.

Give em Liberty or give me a valium.

Linda M. Dow