No longer fighting the waters
Recently a friend said that her medication was “working”, and she was experiencing a new-found desire for being social. She was concerned about this cheerfulness overtaking the intense creativity and sensitivities she has come to treasure. I had harbored these very concerns before. Many of you may wonder about the same: will medication therapy “change your personality” especially the creative and sensitive part?
I am not talking about overt “apathy”, a severe numbness that has been listed as a side effect of various psychotropics including antidepressants. Rather, I am talking about a change toward a hopeful attitude and a positive outlook. This change is what medical professionals would describe as ” medication kicking in”. Will this change come at the expense of creativity?
It may be helpful to describe what “medication kicking in” feels like: You feel as if someone has flipped a switch and the world looks more likeable. You stop dreading being alive. You do not become a chatterbox, but you open up a little more, and talk a little more - and you enjoy this connecting to other people. You feel good in people’s company. You like yourself when you are with other people. You like yourself when you are alone.
I don’t know what “normal” is and I wonder if anyone really knows; “normal” is subjective. “Normal” can be a physical and mental standard of well-being that is measurable by tests. Many of those tests, however, are subjective. Some degrees of depression is normal as a response: we need to be able to express depression when confronted with a depressing situation. Grief and sadness accompanying loss are completely “normal” even when a grieving person displays many of the symptoms of a depressed person: change in appetite, sleeping patterns, outlook on life, feelings about self and the world.
Depression becomes “abnormal” when it persists for longer than “usual”. How long is too long? Six weeks? Six months? This can depends on the situation causing a depressed mood. However, living in a constant state of despair can begin to injure our other states of being. Our physical body becomes weak from neglect. Depression suppresses immune functions, making us vulnerable to diseases (and that begets more depressed mood). Our mental body becomes an enemy that tortures us with self loathing. Our emotional body becomes an unpredictable outlet.
When depression persists in the lack of a continual stimulus, it has assumed “a life of its own”. This is when depression takes over our lives, and it warrants help and treatment. An analogy may be drawn with a cancerous growth. Cancer cells persist in the lack of a continual stimulus, growing when they should not grow. Early detection and treatment of cancer improves survival. Early detection and treatment of depression improves survival.
We may write prolifically and appear more creative when we were depressed. These expressions had remained our only outlets to communicate when we had shut ourselves off from the world. When I had revisited my writing during a depressed state, I was amazed at how dark and depressing my writing was. Poignant? Sensitive? Yes, but overshadowed by despair and dread permeating each sentence.
As we proceed along therapy, we may stop writing continuously about pain or suffering or hurt or betrayal or fear. This does not mean we are no longer inspired. Instead, we may be experiencing a different way of being alive. Since for many of us, we were rather new at “feeling alive”, we may want to stop writing and just “live”.
Normalcy is not superficiality. Being “creative” does not require pain or despair. In time, you will begin to explore the depths of your new perspective. You can still evoke the intensity of feeling or passion that you had evoked when you were depressed. When depression no longer acts as your master, but serves you as it should as an emotional response to a situation, you can choose how to feel about the situation.
Depression was being on a boat in stormy waters. You were in constant fear of capsizing. Normalcy is being on calm waters. You can sit still and rest, because the boat was no longer rocking. At first, the water may seem was too quiet, everything may seem too quiet. Then, you re-shift your focus from this new quietness, and look to the horizon for all the places you can go and explore.
Let the quietness come. Let the living come. Let the joy come. Let the changes come. Creativity was never a part of the “temporary”. Creativity is always a part of you. Depression was always a part of the “temporary” and is never a part of you. You can now sit back and enjoy the scenery instead of fighting the waters.