Sick of Suffering
This was a diary entry written February 5, 1998 at around 5 am, after experiencing a “moment of truth” and finally seeking help for depression. If you find yourself in these words, that’s probably because you too, are sick of suffering from something that is very treatable. If it helps you, please use this entry as your message of letting your doctor know what you have been feeling. I know in my heart that in time and in patience, you will climb over your fence.
I’ve decided to make an appointment tomorrow.
I’ve tried to “best” myself - analyze myself to shreds - but I keep falling short and I don’t know how to climb over the fence.
I’m sick of wanting something, but feel this invisible wall placed over me; it’s like I can see it but I cannot get to it.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m worthless no matter what I am consciously aware of. Just feeling like a big nothing and that no one would really, in their clear minds, want me or cherish me.
I’m sick of being afraid all the time of thoughts in my head that I can analyze but cannot wave away.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m just not good enough for anybody else - and everybody else.
I’m sick of consciously knowing that I am a capable human being but feeling like I can never amount to anything.
I’m sick of this all, and I am really desperate.
I’m sick of feeling helpless and frustrated and defeated - by me.
I’m sick of being such a big mess for myself. I’m sick of neglecting and abandoning Me.
I’m so sick of this I am Hurt. I’m so sick of this I am Angry.
I am aware but I cannot seem to perceive. I want but I cannot seem to achieve. And I’m beginning to wonder if I should consider the possibility that I might need a good dose of serotonin to experience what life can be like without feeling sick of myself.
I’m scared of losing Me.
I’m sick of Suffering and I’ve had enough.